Finding balance for my soul in the HERE
I can say that I now find great joy in each day. I know it is a general balance of time doing and time being. STRESS is a funny thing. . . in that it happens to us, but it also happens in us. Some stress we can’t predict but some we actually create, because it is familiar. There is a payoff, so to speak, for conquering the mountain of stress we create. When we can feel both winded and accomplished! I have learned how to spend time resting in the present moment rather then jumping into past regrets or future worries. I have let go of the tasks I should do and crafted a life I can realistically live in. A life that factors in deep RECOVERY.
Some days I am reminded of the story of Jesus with his disciples in the boat. A storm rose up and each person feared the worst and expected Jesus to react based in a fear of what might happen. Jesus was resting and he was not bothered with fear or anxiety. He was content in the present moment knowing that there were wind and waves but that he and the disciples were safe. It doesn’t seem that Jesus was alarmed or ready to do anything. The disciples insisted he take action and accused him of not caring that they would die. He rose and spoke, and the miracle was astonishing to all who witnessed it. He calmed the storm! Yes he did, but I wonder though, did he calm the storm to save their lives, or was he calming the source of their fears that they were unable to have faith through? I think it was more the later, and really if they were in danger he wouldn’t have needed to be awakened to take action, because he was God. Now, REMEMBER. . .Jesus was resting in a huge storm.
I often jump to action or anxiety at any sign of clouds. Constant hypervigilance and mobilization. I will plan for how to respond in any possible sprinkle and make sure no one gets wet. That is how my mind works. I know that I don’t naturally value rest. However, God does. My mind needs to be present and I need to be ok with tasks being undone or my kids facing big feelings. I am not the glue or their personal savior and I can’t bear the weight of everyone’s contentment from day to day. I am responsible for my contenment and faithfulness! My primary job is to love them and teach them as the spirit leads me to do so. Guilt and fear are not part of that love equation. I have had to learn this year that sometimes boundaries are the most loving thing for everyone. Recognizing my own needs means I can be healthy for my family, and this was my path out of pain.
I now pick two main goals for each month: new learning and new discipline. Sometimes spiritual and sometimes health related. I prioritize putting my REST & RECOVERY first, I just maintain the minimum of everything else and delegate if I can. The kids are pretty self sufficiant so they can cook and we balance activities and fun. I say “No” alot more! This is really hard for a recovering “people pleaser” who wants to be super mom. I let boredom be a teacher for them and the fruit has been creativity in all my kids all year.
Does this make me lazy? Does this make me selfish? I need to get dressed everyday before lunch and take care of my soul–and meet with God. I know I am capable of doing more efficiently, effectively, and and full of tremendous effort, But it was killing me. Literally my nerves and muscles were wretched with tension and physical pain. I was not living fully and I was never finished with the list. None of it fed me or brought me joy to “Hustle like a mother.” Soon after letting things go, of the high self standard, I said to myself, “If I did not do it, and it wasn’t important enough for someone else to do it, it ends.” It’s not the right focus. Some things are good but they are not right for me. Some things are right but not good for me. Sometimes my personality makes me see what is missing or how I need to be better. What is right here and available to me now is good enough. Maybe yours tells you that you are loved by what you do?!
But it has all been done and we can REST. Even our service to others and sacrifices can be done from a place of REST. Resting in the finished work of Jesus Christ who paid it all and loved us more then we can even conceive. No more work is required, beyond loving God and our neighbor. Is it not the stuff we add on that keeps us from loving others? Our fear of failure, or our need for security and financial stability? Our desire to find the truth? So many of our mental focuses don’t take love into account, and therefore we continue on saying, “No rest for the weary!”
After learning this balance, I have begun cooking again. I started a health and nutrition protocol that I have needed for years. I began painting again, and yes I started writing. Writing poetry even. 2023 was a beautiful year for me as it probably was for many. I had high highs and low lows, but God kept whispering to me the same small, yet mighty reminder, “I’m here.” He did not say, “Remember when I was there?” , or “Watch what I will do.” Though he is a God of past and future hope, He said to my soul – “I’m here now!” I believe His reminder was that I needed to be here also!
Here is my poem from a recent retreat, with Potter’s Inn, that helped me to settle into the here and now more deeply.
Recover
What have I lost O lord?
I have followed the seductions of safety.
My soul must catch up to my body.
You invite me to recover my life.
Will I welcome everything in me?
Letting go of any assumptions,
conclusions,
Or outcomes.
Abandon the story,
Stay curious in the present.
Letting go of false-self desires,
Relaxing into the presence of Christ.
My heart needs to be made porous,
Soaking up a plenitude or wonders.
Listening to my senses,
I surely will be moved.
I wish to witness sprouts of greening.
I find my companions in the trees,
Permission for a real rest.
It is time for slow time.
This is enough,
Enough to behold and beheld.
By Jessica Vangsnes
If you need help finding your here, your now, and your soul, we have manny opportunities for coaching, retreats, or a community of people who want the same thing. Just contact me or Travis here.